# 3

For a long time I wondered if I would ever write this post... really ever since Creighton was born.  I pictured writing it as times, but often thought I never would.  There has never been a decision in my life, in Chad and I's married life, that has been so debated, so mulled over, prayed over, surrounded by so much indecision.  Why was it so complicated and so hard?  Maybe because we're both analytical, or we both like things calm and simple.  Because we had gotten in the groove of having just two boys and it was starting to feel "easy?"  Because I like to work and it seems hard to have three kids and keep working part-time?  Because we have two healthy boys and what if the third isn't so healthy?  Whatever the reasons, at the end of the day, I kept being convicted that they were selfish and driven by fear.  Yes, it's ok to only have two kids, many families do.  But for some reason we kept praying and discussing and could never really say,  "Ok, we're done, done.  Two boys is all that's in it for us."

So here we are today.  #3 is on the way.  Due to the practical nature of the decision and the fact that we didn't "always know that we wanted three kids and we're just so thankful for another one," I started off pretty neutral about the news and still struggle with being excited.  Just the other day I had another bought of "what are we doing?  I can't even handle two kids, how am I going to be able to mother three?  Why are we adding this stress to our lives?  Aren't we into the groove of two kids and it fits us so well?"

But that's just the thing.. it can be so easy to think of the negatives... how my life is going to change and be so much harder and how what little independence I had is going to be gone forever (or so it seems).   I know I can be irrational and that there are going to be so many blessings and joys that will come from this child that I can't feel or picture yet, because they aren't here.  I only know what life is like now, but it's impossible to fully understand the future until it's here and reality.

And I say that we wavered on the decision and make it sound like we were unsure, but at the end of the day, we really did have peace and confidence in our decision... that it was where God was leading us even if we didn't fully understand or it seemed hard, or we weren't even sure we wanted to go there.  There has never been anything in my life that I've chosen to do (by God's leading) that felt so hard and unknown.  It has felt so backwards for me to choose something that (in my mind) is going to be much harder than my current stage.

But Ephesians 4:20 kept coming back to me:
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us"

...And I wanted to be able to say that we gave God the opportunity to do far more abundantly with our lives than we could ask or think.  So we chose to surrender.  We chose to say yes.  And God chose to bless us with a pregnancy (very quickly) that will hopefully end with a healthy baby.  I know that God has plans for us that will be far greater than I can hope or imagine, I just have to trust in the process and not let my limited knowledge lead to doubt.  To not let the fear of the unknown overrule the peace of Christ in my heart.  Obedience requires faith and I can find joy in knowing that God has a plan and will equip me for life with three littles.